A reader showed great interest in the topics of the blog and since then we have regularly exchanged views on reasoned male chastity. Their CMC is very similar to ours: it is also very moderate! And I found many of his questions very insightful and inspiring. So I asked him if he would like to help me write a question-and-answer type article. We present to you the results of our work.
Question: In your guide you bring the idea of a very moderate and very reasonable CMC. Why add the term “reasoned” to CMC?
Answer: That's a good question! If it had been a question of making a guide on the CMC in all its versions, there would probably have been no guide. My version of the soft, part-time CMC without the BDSM component and more accessible exists. I didn't invent it. It is not new, many people practice it. But I found that it did not have the visibility it needed, especially in the French-speaking world where the formula is polarized towards two or three models with always an important place for domination-submission. At the beginning of the writing, like others I used "CMC non SM". But I was facing several problems. First, there are already several not always equal definitions of “non-SM CMC”. And "CMC non SM" did not allow me to completely dissociate myself from the domination-submission that does not exist in our relationship as a couple. Then instead of saying what my CMC is not, I had to find a name for what it is. The exercise was to make allowances and this is where the term reasoned CMC came to fit into the title of the guide.
Question: You exclude BDSM and the relationship of domination-submission in the KH-caged relationship. Yet isn't conjugal gynarchy a form of domination of the KH over the encagé?
Answer: I realize that I never made it clear that our CMC excluded the notion of marital gynarchy. In our relationship, my spouse prefers an egalitarian, equitable, mature relationship to a gynarchic relationship. I remember calling her my queen while carrying the cage! It turned him off! Completely! It was in our early days. She is not good in this role! Conjugal gynarchy is clearly not for her. We almost gave up everything at that moment. I understood while talking with her that her CMC is rather a feminist version such as that of Julietta Tremblay. She liked this reference for its sweetness. Today, holding the key allows her to respond to this fight that she constantly fights between her strength and the vulnerability of being a woman. It is therefore a CMC for KHs like her who want to be respected, learn not to forget themselves and not to feel indebted, but all this in a relationship of equality and equity between men and women. For my part, I am more down to earth. I derive my satisfaction from the deprivation of orgasm, the rise of oxytocin and the pleasure of caresses which is more satisfying than the phallic pleasure and the often average orgasm it provides. Also, the theme of uninhibited male sexuality takes up a lot of space and this fully satisfies me. Living the CMC as a couple, in pleasure and without maintaining a gynarchic relationship is therefore very possible.
Question: In CMC we play a lot on the deprivation of pleasure for the caged man. Your approach is rather in the opposite direction. Why?
Answer: Something that is never clearly stated in CMC is the erotic character of the chastity cage. In English, we use the word sex-toy: translation sex toy. In French we will more precisely use erotic toy. The chastity cage is a fun toy, and it's erotic to wear it. It is mainly at the request of the man that the chastity cage is worn. Similarity is comparable to BDSM, most of the pleasure is experienced by the submissive person and not the dominant person. Otherwise it would be sadism. So to say that the caged man is deprived of pleasure is therefore false. The eroticism of the cage is intense at first and this lessens with practice. It is with time, at least a year, that the transition and the discovery of the meaning of male chastity takes place. And depriving the man of access to his organ allows him to explore other pleasures and other neglected erogenous zones. Uninhibited male sexuality only allows the man, caged or not, to express his desires and preferences which are already inscribed deep within him, hidden under a thick layer of sexual conformity.
Question: Precisely, with uninhibited male sexuality where heteronormative sexuality is questioned, there is a great place for anal pleasure for the heterosexual man. Do you believe that men have reached that point or is the subject still taboo?
Answer: The subject is indeed very taboo! Yet this pleasure is so universal. I discovered adolescent receptive anal pleasure, along with the rest, and this never questioned my identity or my orientation. But I kept it secret with my girlfriends at the time and for almost twenty years with my current spouse. The new, more sexually educated generation does not hide as much. My exchanges with the staff who work in the erotic shops confirm this. Young couples buying everything for pegging is now more common. The same goes for men who ask for advice on buying anal toys and without feeling the need to justify that they are strait. The exclusively gay male anal sex toy no longer exists. The industry is adapting with new products adapted to male anal pleasure without any connection to sexual orientation with more suitable colors and models. Also, the anal penetration of the straight man is no longer necessarily a BDSM act, but also an assumed pleasure. This is something we should be able to talk about openly in the next few years. Men are invited to fully assume this pleasure. One thing is certain, the majority of CMC followers have this openness and that this is already accepted for the majority.
Question: The deprivation of penetration, why have you made it the element at the base of the reasoned CMC?
Answer: For all the good and bad reasons. First of all, chastity cages are not infallible. The KH may not be in control of a man's sexuality so much. But as long as the man is in the cage, the message transmitted by the KH is that the penetration is under his complete control. It takes the key! His message is then simple: “Think about something else! Think about loving me, spoiling me, going out to restaurants, spending quality time as a couple! Don't do it with the ultimate goal of penetrating me! My pleasure first, perhaps holds it! And for the man in CMC reasoned mode, depriving himself of penetration, of his penis, is not a drama, but a way of bringing his sexuality to the next level, in the same universe as the sexuality of women: softness, sensuality, caresses, pleasure in the broad sense, etc. I normally see the effects of oxytocin on the third day of orgasm deprivation and peak on the twelfth day. The 3 - 12 day beach is what I call my cuddly man beach where pleasure takes on a whole new meaning! Also, some readings inspired me a lot, such as “Beyond Penetration” by Matin Page and the lot of testimonials from women about penetration. There is also a source of inspiration in “Sortir du trou” by Maïa Mazaurette. There is therefore an ideological part in the tool offered by the chastity cage to women: the man without a penis, who has become so gentle, so loving, cajoling and who understands feminine desires.
Question: So you are saying that the sexuality of women is superior to that of men?
Answer: The female orgasm is beautiful, sensual, complex and whole. That of the man is primitive as long as he remains in the niche of erection-ejaculation and of the macho man who believes he can make women enjoy only by penetrating them. The chaste man admires the beauty and sweetness of the female orgasm, he understands it, he masters it perfectly. He finds the right words for women who doubt about their sexuality. Also, he would like one like this and it is possible quite easily if he agrees to open his mind to get out of this heteronormative sexuality! The transposition of the body and the mind in a receptive sexuality is a source of intense pleasure for the caged man. He no longer gives his penis, nor his sperm, nor the pleasure. Conversely, he receives caresses, he opens his legs and lets himself be penetrated, he lets himself go to the other in confidence. So yes, women's sexuality is superior to men's in its sweetness and beauty! But the equivalent in humans is very easily accessible on the condition of being open to discoveries, of letting go of current pornography, of working on gentleness rather than performance, and finally of accepting that the end is more than just coitus.
Question: The dissociation of CMC from BDSM is at the heart of reasoned CMC. But can the use of the chastity cage really be separated from BDSM?
Answer: I believe so. The term BDSM first appeared in 1991 exactly. The black leather, the chains, the piercings, all of this was built around an image that refers to the punk culture of the time. The practice continued to evolve and it became more accessible with the period of the Fifty Shades of Gray book and the sale of accessories in boutiques. Someone made the Human Sex Map, a map of the world that covers all current BDSM activity. I would say that today this map is more of a continent that joins other continents in the expression of human sexuality. Two gay men don't do BDSM when one penetrates the other, they have sex. The more I think about it, the more I place the reasoned CMC in the hemisphere where it is rather linked to a reflection on sexual standards, to the questioning of heteronormative sexuality, to see to the questioning of codes on the identity of gender. The soft man, sensitive to women, see feminist is somewhere in the color palette of the LGTBQ2S+. It is an identity which explains many things: the man deprived of his penis, who appreciates receptive penetration and which for some is expressed by a certain code of femininity or even cross-dressing to varying degrees are elements found in a good part of the caged. These men are different from other men. The question is whether this is a subculture of BDSM or if rather the expression of a new identity in relation to gender standards. I believe in the second hypothesis.
Question: Exactly, in a footnote you refer to "The Lesbian Man" by Jean Markale. Is the man encaged by the reasoned, physically and emotionally chaste CMC a lesbian man?
Answer: This term defines very well my vision of the man in the reasoned CMC, so much that I thought I had invented it. But my research quickly led to Jean Markale who was the first to use it in his trial. His definition of a lesbian man is undoubtedly the most complete of all definitions. I was a lesbian man before discovering the CMC. I can be without the CMC. It is a state of being, an identity, something innate that describes well these men, who like me, enjoy more the pleasure granted to their spouse than their own pleasure. When I said to my spouse “I don’t like penetrating you that much! “, there was a lot of this great complex that affects men like me who are afraid to express their real desires. It also meant: “I would like to offer you something else next time!” I would like that you open yourself to my desires! I would like not to cum! I need you to understand me. And from there was born my reflection and our exchanges, not only on the denial of orgasm that the chastity cage allows, but also on uninhibited male sexuality, without a penis, and my true almost lesbian desires. This concept was very difficult for my spouse to integrate, so much so that the classic penetration-coitus model is strong. And there was the reading of this Ifop poll in 2020 which revealed that 22% of 18-30 year olds felt neither man nor woman. It clicked at that moment and his view of me and my sexuality has since evolved. I no longer have to hide, to pretend to enjoy cumming inside her! To answer the question, I think the answer is yes, if the man deprived of penetration reaches the point where his sexuality ends up resembling that of women, that he mourns penetration well, that he dissociates totally his CMC of BDSM and that he adopts certain sexual behaviors reserved for women for his pleasure. And this is because he really wants to, and not out of submission or humiliation. We have everything to describe the sexual lesbian behavior of a straight man. But I don't want to distort Jean Merkale's term by associating it with reasoned CMC and uninhibited male sexuality. This is the reason why I refer to the book in a footnote and avoid using this name.
Question: Say, has COVID-19 changed anything in your CMC? You don't mention it in your guide.
Answer: Yes, a lot! Before, we planned the CMC a lot during our weekends and holidays. Then the whole family found themselves confined 24/7 at home. We put everything aside! Not with two teenage girls at home. Then my wife and I finally found ourselves alone in full-time telecommuting. We tried several things, but ended up taking the CMC mode part-time at night. I put the cage on after the evening shower, I sleep in it, and she takes it off somewhere during the day. There is no longer a hygiene problem. We think of putting the cage if I go out alone or if she leaves me alone at home, but with flexibility. For example, I run and train regularly and obviously do it without the cage. We note in a notebook my rare orgasms and the positive effects of oxytocin on my mood. We can say that the quality of our relationship is much better than before. And it's like that almost every day! Sometimes we take breaks for a few weeks, then we start again. With telework my nights sleep are longer. I manage to get enough sleep. In bed, my spouse knows that I still have the cage, and there is no question of removing it. Mid-forties, she is at her best on the side of her sexuality. She asks for it! She knows what she wants! I then ask for me in this new uninhibited pleasure! I don't often ask to cum, and if I cum it's in the cage. This suits me perfectly. This new sexuality as a couple appeals to both of us. And during the day, I don't try to take advantage of my freedom to relieve myself alone in secret. I respect my commitment. I have never carried the cage so much, nor had so much pleasure for two years. Adaptation is very CMC reasoned!
Question: Last question to finish. To the couples who embark on the reasoned CMC, what advice do you want to give them?
Answer: As I said before, make simple choices, have fun, set reasonable challenges! Stay in the pleasure zone. You can build your own CMC without applying it in a radical way, without BDSM, without prolonged wearing of the cage, without trying to do everything like the others. To spouses who are reluctant, do not see the cage as a humiliating object, but as a need, a desire for the man. Seek to understand this desire, help him to define it. Make the effort to keep the key, do not leave it on the bedside table in the morning. At the cages, avoid fixing your attention only on the cage. Instead, look at your partner. And don't rush things, be patient. The reasoned CMC is a way of living one's sexuality, the chastity cage is only the tool.